Hitting the Wall

Yesterday I had my 5^th chemo spa. I was talking to a fellow spa mate and she asked if I had hit the wall yet. This was spa lingo I didn’t know. She said it’s when you feel the need to spend days at a time in bed.

I did just that. Enter Planet Bed. I had come down with a nasty cold which led to a nasty fever which led to my blood counts going way down which led to antibiotic infusion. I was sick. Very, very sick.

I feel faint

I had turned off my phone and crawled into bed. I went for several days without communicating to anyone. With most of the world no news is good news. In Ellen world no news is definitely bad news. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to hear, “feel better soon” or “don’t worry, you’ll feel better in a few days.” The fact was, I wasn’t getting better. I was getting worse. I had a blackout from the antibiotics. Fainted right at the kitchen sink. I said to my husband, “Stu, I’m going to faint. Right now.” He caught me and hauled me off to bed. I was mortified that I hadn’t finished emptying the dishwasher. My last request before I fell asleep for 5 hours was to please empty the dishwasher. I had hit the wall big time.

I think I freaked out my friends a little bit. My friend Cathy stormed into my house bearing gifts. A pizza, a can of diet root beer and a bag of atomic fireballs. I was looking like pure crap and feeling worse. She didn’t care. She complimented my pajamas and said my bald head looked just fine.

I went back to bed and had strange fever dreams. Some good, some extremely weird. Some work related. Not a healthy sleep by any means.

When I finally turned on my phone and PC there were a gazillion Facebook messages, text messages and emails. It was overwhelming. I had messages from people at work saying glad you’re feeling better. Wait. What? Where’d they get that from? I was in Planet Bed, not some tropical island. Although that sounds pretty good right now. No bad hair days from humidity.

I’m feeling pretty good right now. My energy is coming back slowly and I’ve been advised to take it easy or I’ll hit the wall even harder. Pink Floyd you have nothing on me!

And so, after posting this I’ll take a cat nap and then move on. I’m looking at a pile of laundry and a grocery list. Decisions, decisions.

Planet Bed!

5 down. 3 to go. Booyah!

Educate Thyself, Woman!

One of the first things Dr. Linden said to me was don’t Google because it will make me crazy. So what did I do the minute I got home? Well being the diehard renegade that I am…I Googled (I’m very bad at following rules). Was it a mistake? Probably. Did I learn stuff? Definitely.

Ask one question and I’m directed to a gazillion places. How to sort it all out is a bit baffling. How to sort it out without freaking out is nerve shattering.

Of course the first thing I wanted to know were about the side effects of the chemicals that my body is ingesting. So I called in the troops.

My friend Cathy is a genius when it comes to finding just the right article. Something not too complex for my feeble chemical altered brain.

And what have I discovered? With the exception of just a few symptoms, I’m totally text book in almost everything.

There was so much I didn’t know about chemotherapy that it was mind-boggling. I just thought everyone got the same old chemicals. Boy was I wrong.

Every person is different. Every cancer is different. Every stage is different. And the chemical cocktails for all of these cancers is different. Even if you have the same cancer. So many options.

I have talked with a lot of the people who go through treatment at the same time as I do. We hang out together in the big room, talking, sharing war stories and other assorted things like recipes, composting ideas (that would be Stu talking to an organic farmer who was across from me a few weeks ago) and just plain stuff, not always cancer related.

I’ve learned a lot from these strangers who are becoming familiar. We share a common bond and yet we are so different. After four sessions I have yet to talk to anyone with breast cancer. It breaks my heart to hear about the cancers these men and women have, the stages they are in and the treatments they are going through And yet they’re there smiling and getting on with it. They are so brave. Makes me feel like such a baby, whining about my upset stomach and lack of hair.

Here’s to those brave people who are battling the biggest war of their lives. God bless you all. It isn’t easy.

And now back to Googling.

Diet? What Diet?

I’ve been on a diet all my life. Really. It’s common knowledge. So here I am on chemotherapy thinking, hmmm, I just might lose weight with all these side effects. Wrong.

Yes, I have lost my appetite. Yes, I am queasy more than not. And yes, nothing appeals to me food wise. This is a horror story for someone who loves trying out new cuisines.

Soft Serve in Yokohama, Japan

Mike's Pastry

Every now and then I’ll have a craving for something. Be it watermelon, lemon cake or felafel

(yes, I craved all of those). Within moments the cravings pass and I’m left with a feeling of melancholy or why bother?

I asked Dr. Linden if a side effect of chemo is weight loss. She smiled sadly and told me with the steroids I’m on it will be impossible to lose weight. Wait. What?? The one time in my life I’m not in the mood for a gastronomic event and I can’t lose weight?? These are some badass side effects for sure.

Grilled veggies in Slovenia

Insalata caprese in Trieste

I’ve also lost my sense of taste. If something is bland, like say an apple, I can’t taste it at all. On the other hand, a little cayenne goes a long way. Right now I’m all about spicy foods when I have the urge to eat something. Certain spices bring out the flavors and while I still love salads and vegetables, unless they’re tossed with a little caliente, I may as well be eating cardboard.

CIA great food!

You can bet your boots that as soon as chemo is over I am going to spend a few days indulging in some good eats. A gift to me.

Big shout outs to the best MGH staff: Dr. Linden (did you finish that book yet?), Betty (hope your vacation was amazing), Nancy (we happen to have the same taste in books), Paula (you never call, you never write…), Deanna (my old friend with a new history) and Rosemary who is my rock of Gibraltar. These are my girlies and they are the best. Ever.

Four down. Four to go. Halfway there!!

Pizza in Mestre, Italy