Inch By Inch

 

So I’m not a cue ball anymore. Or ping pong ball. More like a tennis ball. A light layer of fuzz.

Yes. My hair has started growing in. It’s quite amazing actually. It feels and looks like baby chick fluff. The color is somewhat baffling. One day it looks blondish and the next grayish and the next black. I think it will be a kind of salt and pepper, which could be cool. I have no idea of the texture. I’m kind of hoping for spiky but we’ll see. Rocker Chick Deluxe!

My son would greet me each morning with, “Hi Baldy!” Now he’s changed his tune to, “Hi Fuzzy!” He says I look like a moldy peach. I’m taking that as a compliment. Each day he exams my scalp to see what’s new.

I’m not ready to leave the house without my turban hat. Maybe in a few weeks I’ll toss the hat and go “bare.” But only on cloudy days. Sun and scalp are not a good combo.

Next week is surgery. Not looking forward to being housebound but after chemo I’ve been told that this will be a piece of cake (donations of baked goods gladly accepted).

I’ll keep you all updated. Thanks for taking the time to read my rantings!

You CAN Go Home Again

This past weekend I attended my 40^th high school reunion. That’s right. 40 years. Incredible. I’d never been to a high school reunion. The Facebook invites went out about a year ago and I immediately responded, YES. Before Facebook there were few options for finding many people. Many of us moved from our old towns. Phone numbers were changed.

I couldn’t wait to be out of high school. My senior year was spent in a performing arts school for half the day. I was involved in the school musicals and of course the music department. I didn’t go to school events. I was busy with music lessons and performances. I never went to the senior prom. I had a gig that night.

During the course of this year, people from high school started friending each other on Facebook. Some of us did it well before the invites went out. Searching for a time when things were simpler. A reminiscence of who we were. A nostalgic yearning for the 1970’s.

I became Facebook friends with classmates that I was never friends with during my high school years. It didn’t matter. We all came from the same place and that made it real.

When I was diagnosed in February I was determined not to let this interfere with the reunion. After finishing chemo I became nervous. What if I didn’t have the energy to travel to NY? What if I was in pain? What if I was too tired to do anything? One of our classmates mentioned that she was nervous about the reunion. I was nervous about my body falling apart.

I was also apprehensive about people seeing me for the first time in 40 years that knew nothing about my health issues. Would they wonder why I was wearing a turban? Most people seemed to get it and one old friend said, “OK, so what exactly is going on here?”

A lot of people came up to me and said they’ve been reading my blog. I was kind of taken back. Wow. I really had no idea who was reading my blog. I do post the link onto Facebook and Twitter each time I post to blogspot.

And what of the reunion? We couldn’t get enough of each other. We wanted more time. We wanted to talk until the sun came up and many did. We took pics and posted them to Facebook. We decided not to wait 10 years for the next reunion. 10 years. Gawd. We’ll be so old. Who wants to wait THAT long? So we went for 5. That seems reasonable enough. If you had asked me 10 years after high school to attend a reunion, I would have scoffed at the idea. And now? I’d do it every 2 years. Not only to remember the past, but to look at all of us and see how far we’ve come. We are amazing.

General Douglas MacArthur Class of 1974, we totally rock!!!

This is dedicated to all of you with lots of love!

When Is It Time to Feel Normal?

It’s been 3 weeks since my last chemo spa session. I confess, I’m still not back to normal. But what is normal?

I know that it will take a while for my body to build itself back up. I know that it will take months before my hair starts to make an appearance. I know Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Yes, I’ve been doing closet cleaning and reorganizing. If I’m going to be in the house I may as well be productive. A new thrift shop opened in town and I’ve got bags of clothes waiting to be delivered.

There are other things to be considered as well. I need to see the dentist. It’s been a year. I was told no dental appointments while on chemo. I also need to have my eyes examined. I can see fine with my glasses if I’m looking at something across the room. Otherwise it’s squinting or ditching the glasses. Squinting isn’t a good option.

Wine in Trieste

I also need a glass of good red wine. No wine or beer or any kind of alcohol while on chemo. Chemo is over. Not that I’m a big drinker. But a nice glass of wine will be much appreciated.

MacArthur High

In two weeks I’m going to my 40^th high school reunion. Gasp. 40 years. How scary is that? The reunion is in New York in the town where I grew up. I’ll be seeing people I haven’t seen in 40 years. I’ll be seeing people I didn’t even know in high school. Our class was something over 500 and maybe 60 of us will be at the reunion. We’re making a weekend of it. I wanted to lose a ton of weight, have my hair look perfect etc. etc. But the reality of it all is that I’m happy just to be going. To be healthy enough to enjoy the experience. One thing I don’t have to worry about is my hair frizzing. There’s always a silver lining!

Every day I’m feeling my energy renew. It’s about 50% right now. But in a few weeks I’ll be at 100%.

100%. Now that’s awesome!

Home town (Wantagh)

Everyone Has A Story

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer back in February, I had a gazillian people giving me advice. What to eat. What not to eat. What vitamins to take. What kind of chemo to have. What kind of surgery to have. Everyone has a story. Everyone has advice to give.

Everyone knows someone who has had breast cancer. It’s a fact. I know many people who have had breast cancer. Do I have advice for someone newly diagnosed? Sure I do. Listen to your oncologist. My oncologist knows what she’s doing. Her advice is the ONLY advice I’ve been taking. Yes, I’ve listened to suggestions from women who have been through this.

Delicious!

I tried being a vegetarian. Then a vegan. It didn’t work. I craved meat and I caved. OK, I don’t eat burgers and steak every day. Or every week. In fact I haven’t had either. I did have a nice roast beef sub the other day…

I eat what I feel like eating which isn’t much. It’s also summer and the heat affects my appetite. The steroids make me blow up like the Goodyear Blimp. What I eat in one day, most people can eat in a meal. I’ve been told to drink protein shakes, drink my vegetables (gag), eat less of this and more of that. Are you kidding me? I am the QUEEN of the diet. I could write a book on it. I know what’s nutritionally sound and what’s not. What it boils down to is this: if  I’m craving a pizza, then so be it. And by the way, that red sauce on the pizza is loaded in potassium.

Someone suggested to me a homeopathic approach to reduce the tumor instead of chemo. Yeah. No. I don’t think so. In 4 months what was a tumor is now a dot. Of course chemo sucks. But it’s over. It was 4 months of misery. 4 months. When you think about it, it’s not so bad now. If you had asked me a month ago I would have probably screamed.

I’ve also stopped taking the massive amounts of herbal supplements that were making me nauseous. Now I just take my daily vitamins that I’ve been taking forever. A lot less complicated.

I’ve been told by so many women who have been through this, what kind of surgery they think I should have. I’ve been told by my oncologist and surgeon what kind of surgery I’m having. I think I’ll go with that. They are, after all, the professionals and modern technology is amazing.

I still feel yucky from the last infusions of chemicals. But I’ve got a lot of great stuff to look forward to. A high school reunion in August (40 years, gahhhh), surgery in August which is something I’m looking forward to being done with. Going back to work. I’m missing my little bookstore a lot. I also need to be in Trieste singing and chilling with my band mates and dear friends.

Bye-bye chemo!

And of course, I’m looking forward to my hair growing back. Wearing a turban is chic and all that, but I really miss having hair.

So good!

And now for some much needed watermelon!

Summertime and the livin’ is easy….

Buckets of Lists

Who ever coined the term “bucket list” is one of my least favorite people. I mean ok, we’re all gonna kick the bucket someday but when you have cancer, it’s not a phrase you want to be hearing over and over. Bucket list my butt. Call it something else. Like My To DO List.

Ah Paris!

My little pink moka pot

Going to Paris is a #1 priority for me. Just haven’t had the opportunity yet. Yes, yes, I travel to Europe frequently but I just haven’t had a Paris adventure yet. I’ll get there eventually. Buying an espresso machine is another to do item. Sometimes you just need to get down to basics and get it done (and yes, I make an awesome coffee with a stovetop moka pot).

Now that I’m on short term disability I have a lot of thinking time.

I make mental lists. To do lists. Things I need for the house, supermarket lists, time to clean out the closet lists. What if I have to spend a day or two in the hospital and I haven’t organized my closet? Thinking like that could qualify me for a role in a Woody Allen film.

Being a cancer patient has given me a lot of thinking time. Chemotherapy is officially over. The familiar territory of the Cancer Center of MGH Danvers will not be so familiar anymore. At least not until I start radiation. The familiar has stepped aside for the unknown. Surgery will be scheduled. Radiation will be scheduled. It will be a new territory. Am I scared? Yes, a little. It’s normal. Fear of the unknown is human nature.

For my first chemo session I was a train wreck. Today was my last session. I was a pro.

Great latte

 The most important thing on my to do list right now is to get better. That, along with being with family and friends tops the list. Oh yes. And an espresso machine!

Thank you Rosemary Grant and Dr. Erica Linden for keeping me sane and healthy.

Yes, chemo side effects suck but I managed to live through it with your guidance and support. I love you both.

Thanks to all my friends and family here and in Trieste, Italy for keeping me smiling.

And most important thanks to my husband Stu and our son Spencer for being wonderful. I couldn’t do this without you both.

Treatment stats: 1/3 down. 2/3 to go.

Chemo stats: 8 down. 0 to go.

 BOOYAH! I did it!!!

Well It’s About Time

So I finally did it. I decided to opt into short-term disability at work. Mostly everyone I know said, “Well it’s about time.”  Of course there are those who still believe that because I don’t look sick, I’m perfectly fine. They. Just. Don’t. Get. It.

Now I need to take care of me. Especially the weeks before surgery. I need to pamper myself and be a little bit selfish. I need to say yes to people wanting to do things for me. I’m so used to being the in control, doing everything myself person that I need to take a step back and say whoa girlfriend. Time to slow down. My doctors and nursing staff agree wholeheartedly.

I’ll still run errands when I feel up to it. Chemo is a funny thing. Some days I feel pretty good. Usually in the morning hours. Afternoons and evenings I’m pretty worn out. These are the times to catch up on Netflix and reading and napping.

I need to be more like Zoe!

 I asked Erica (my oncologist) for a sleeping aid. Something that wouldn’t give me a hung over feeling. She prescribed me a teeny pill that she said little old ladies take. I thought ok. I can be a little old lady. Well. This pill is about as effective as an M&M. I just lay there in bed waiting and waiting and waiting. It didn’t happen. I tried Tylenol PM. Nothing. I should try straight Benedryl. It IS allergy season after all. They give me massive doses thru my port during chemo and that works great. Maybe now that I’m not working and I don’t have to set my alarm clock I can go for a stronger RX.

I wonder if I’ll be bored while on disability. 2 months off. It’s not like I can do any serious traveling. What a shame. I can’t do a lot of retail therapy either. Short-term disability means a shorter paycheck as well. So this means closet cleaning time. Booyah!

And so, I have one more session of the chemo spa. ONE MORE SESSION. Wow. Then I start a whole new phase of treatment. Progression is a wonderful thing.

7 down. 1 to go. Breast cancer, I’m kicking your ass!

The Lighter Side of Chemotherapy??

OK. So realistically chemo sucks. It’s poison chemicals doing a number on the body.

But once in awhile something amusing happens. And sometimes some endearing things happen.

The other day I was sitting on the couch watching TV with my husband Stu. We were watching my newest obsession: The Property Brothers. Stu watches it for the renovations. I do too sort of. But mostly because Drew and Jonathan Scott are hotties. Anyway…Stu looked at me and said you smell like chemicals. I smelled my arm. Whoa. I did. The stuff is just oozing out of my pores. I immediately put on some body crème. It helped a lot.

This time of year I get chewed up by mosquitoes. Well now. Not a single one has landed on me. Spider bites too. Nada. They can smell poison a mile away. Cool. A chemo benefit.

As much as I despise my bald head, I have to say that summer humidity will not be a problem. No bad hair days.

My nails have been slowly turning grey. Not an attractive thing. The solution? Fabulous nail polish in a darker color. Who cares if it’s warm weather? I’m sporting purple nails. I love purple.

My poor feet have chemical burns. And after burns what happens? Peeling. Massive peeling. It’s almost funny. Again, I have great crèmes to combat that. I go through them like Stu eats through a bag of potato chips. Lotions and crèmes used to last me forever. Now I go through a tube or jar a week. It’s kind of fun choosing new ones. Always the product junky.

 

One of our cats, Zoe, has been glued to me since I started chemo (she also happens to like the smell of all the lotions). But she knows something’s up. She’s not the most affectionate cat. She’s a princess. But she’s been a constant fixture in any room I’m in. At night she sleeps on my feet. If it’s cooler out she’ll sleep in my face. If I’m cooking in the kitchen she’s right there. Watching TV? She’ll be on the floor next to the couch, or on a chair. Pets have an uncanny sense of things.

I also get a steroid drip. It makes me so energetic for two days that I can’t sleep. I do all the things in the house that I can’t manage after a few days when it wears off and I hit the floor.

And finally, at last Monday’s chemo spa I had my usual bag of Benedryl to combat any allergic reaction the Taxol might pull. Benedryl knocks me out. By the way…it’s great for long haul flights. Just saying. Anyway, since I was in a private room I decided to turn down the lights. Stu was there too and we decided to both take a nap. I reclined my chair all the way and he had a comfy chair and put his feet up on a stool. I reach for the remote to hit the light switch. Hit it a bunch of times because the light wasn’t going out. Of course it wasn’t. I hit the call button instead. OOPSY. Half a dozen staff came running in. I was very apologetic and they were all relieved especially when I said OK…shall we order pizza???

These are the moments I’ll remember. The bad side effects I’ll try to erase. Who needs that anyway?

Have a great weekend all.