Hitting the Wall

Yesterday I had my 5^th chemo spa. I was talking to a fellow spa mate and she asked if I had hit the wall yet. This was spa lingo I didn’t know. She said it’s when you feel the need to spend days at a time in bed.

I did just that. Enter Planet Bed. I had come down with a nasty cold which led to a nasty fever which led to my blood counts going way down which led to antibiotic infusion. I was sick. Very, very sick.

I feel faint

I had turned off my phone and crawled into bed. I went for several days without communicating to anyone. With most of the world no news is good news. In Ellen world no news is definitely bad news. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to hear, “feel better soon” or “don’t worry, you’ll feel better in a few days.” The fact was, I wasn’t getting better. I was getting worse. I had a blackout from the antibiotics. Fainted right at the kitchen sink. I said to my husband, “Stu, I’m going to faint. Right now.” He caught me and hauled me off to bed. I was mortified that I hadn’t finished emptying the dishwasher. My last request before I fell asleep for 5 hours was to please empty the dishwasher. I had hit the wall big time.

I think I freaked out my friends a little bit. My friend Cathy stormed into my house bearing gifts. A pizza, a can of diet root beer and a bag of atomic fireballs. I was looking like pure crap and feeling worse. She didn’t care. She complimented my pajamas and said my bald head looked just fine.

I went back to bed and had strange fever dreams. Some good, some extremely weird. Some work related. Not a healthy sleep by any means.

When I finally turned on my phone and PC there were a gazillion Facebook messages, text messages and emails. It was overwhelming. I had messages from people at work saying glad you’re feeling better. Wait. What? Where’d they get that from? I was in Planet Bed, not some tropical island. Although that sounds pretty good right now. No bad hair days from humidity.

I’m feeling pretty good right now. My energy is coming back slowly and I’ve been advised to take it easy or I’ll hit the wall even harder. Pink Floyd you have nothing on me!

And so, after posting this I’ll take a cat nap and then move on. I’m looking at a pile of laundry and a grocery list. Decisions, decisions.

Planet Bed!

5 down. 3 to go. Booyah!

Educate Thyself, Woman!

One of the first things Dr. Linden said to me was don’t Google because it will make me crazy. So what did I do the minute I got home? Well being the diehard renegade that I am…I Googled (I’m very bad at following rules). Was it a mistake? Probably. Did I learn stuff? Definitely.

Ask one question and I’m directed to a gazillion places. How to sort it all out is a bit baffling. How to sort it out without freaking out is nerve shattering.

Of course the first thing I wanted to know were about the side effects of the chemicals that my body is ingesting. So I called in the troops.

My friend Cathy is a genius when it comes to finding just the right article. Something not too complex for my feeble chemical altered brain.

And what have I discovered? With the exception of just a few symptoms, I’m totally text book in almost everything.

There was so much I didn’t know about chemotherapy that it was mind-boggling. I just thought everyone got the same old chemicals. Boy was I wrong.

Every person is different. Every cancer is different. Every stage is different. And the chemical cocktails for all of these cancers is different. Even if you have the same cancer. So many options.

I have talked with a lot of the people who go through treatment at the same time as I do. We hang out together in the big room, talking, sharing war stories and other assorted things like recipes, composting ideas (that would be Stu talking to an organic farmer who was across from me a few weeks ago) and just plain stuff, not always cancer related.

I’ve learned a lot from these strangers who are becoming familiar. We share a common bond and yet we are so different. After four sessions I have yet to talk to anyone with breast cancer. It breaks my heart to hear about the cancers these men and women have, the stages they are in and the treatments they are going through And yet they’re there smiling and getting on with it. They are so brave. Makes me feel like such a baby, whining about my upset stomach and lack of hair.

Here’s to those brave people who are battling the biggest war of their lives. God bless you all. It isn’t easy.

And now back to Googling.

Diet? What Diet?

I’ve been on a diet all my life. Really. It’s common knowledge. So here I am on chemotherapy thinking, hmmm, I just might lose weight with all these side effects. Wrong.

Yes, I have lost my appetite. Yes, I am queasy more than not. And yes, nothing appeals to me food wise. This is a horror story for someone who loves trying out new cuisines.

Soft Serve in Yokohama, Japan

Mike's Pastry

Every now and then I’ll have a craving for something. Be it watermelon, lemon cake or felafel

(yes, I craved all of those). Within moments the cravings pass and I’m left with a feeling of melancholy or why bother?

I asked Dr. Linden if a side effect of chemo is weight loss. She smiled sadly and told me with the steroids I’m on it will be impossible to lose weight. Wait. What?? The one time in my life I’m not in the mood for a gastronomic event and I can’t lose weight?? These are some badass side effects for sure.

Grilled veggies in Slovenia

Insalata caprese in Trieste

I’ve also lost my sense of taste. If something is bland, like say an apple, I can’t taste it at all. On the other hand, a little cayenne goes a long way. Right now I’m all about spicy foods when I have the urge to eat something. Certain spices bring out the flavors and while I still love salads and vegetables, unless they’re tossed with a little caliente, I may as well be eating cardboard.

CIA great food!

You can bet your boots that as soon as chemo is over I am going to spend a few days indulging in some good eats. A gift to me.

Big shout outs to the best MGH staff: Dr. Linden (did you finish that book yet?), Betty (hope your vacation was amazing), Nancy (we happen to have the same taste in books), Paula (you never call, you never write…), Deanna (my old friend with a new history) and Rosemary who is my rock of Gibraltar. These are my girlies and they are the best. Ever.

Four down. Four to go. Halfway there!!

Pizza in Mestre, Italy

Calling Out Sick

I’m not very good at being sick. I’m worse at calling out sick from work. Over the years I’ve mostly used my sick days for appointments or when my own child was home sick from school. When I was teaching it was more of a nuisance to prepare a lesson plan for a sub. Easier to just work through the coughs and sneezes.

I don’t believe that having cancer is a license to call out sick. My friend Cathy keeps yelling at me and says to stop being a martyr. Over the past few months I HAVE called out sick a few times and I know there will be several more times before this is over. The chemo side effects were/are so uncomfortable that I can’t be at 100%. Working in retail requires me to be at the top of my game all the time. Customers don’t care if your jade plant wilted, if you have a toothache or if you’re going through a life change. And guess what? They’re right. The customer has the right to my 100% attention focused on them. I treat my customers the way I myself like to be treated when doing a little retail therapy.

And so, unless I can’t stand up to do my job or at least perch in a visible place, I will continue to work. I may not have a license to call out sick, but once in a while I’ll pull a temporary permit.

Have a good week, all!

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

“Oh, my hair”-Goldie Hawn in Overboard

Self-denial is a wonderful thing. Lose my hair? No way. Uh. Let’s rethink that.

For the most of my life I’ve had long, thick, beautiful hair. At the present I have non-existent hair, which is freaking me out a little. Yes, I know it will grow back, but what to do in the meantime?

When my long strands started molting I made an appointment with my hairstylist for a short pixie cut. I left my long hair to be donated to kids with cancer. Within a few days I got used to that look. Swiped my son Spencer’s hair gel and I was rocker girl.

A week later I was shedding worse than my cats. Between the two of them and myself I could have hooked a rug. One evening as I was cooking, I noticed my hair all over the kitchen counter. No good. I took a deep breath and said to my husband, OK, it’s time. We waltzed into the bathroom and buzzed it all off. I wept. I screamed. I laughed when Spencer gave me a mohawk. I cried again. I cried all night.

Then I pulled up my big girl bloomers and popped on the wig I had purchased the week before. Not so shabby. Aside from the fact that I looked like a soccer mom it would do in a pinch. Not the most comfortable thing in the world, but at least I wouldn’t scare anyone.

A few weeks ago I went to a workshop for women going through chemo. It was all about makeup, hats, wigs and scarves. We all received a beautiful bag of products. The product junky in me swooned. But the best part was learning how to make turbans from scarves and tee shirts. Yes, that’s right. A plain old t-shirt. Cut off the bottom half and voila! Following the workshop I drove right over to Marshall’s and purchased a beautiful melon green men’s t-shirt. What? Of course I did! Check out the sidebar.

Isn’t it cute? I added a floral scarf to make it tropical. Pina colada anyone??

I don’t walk out of the house without makeup and therefore I won’t walk out of the house without something on my head. I may have lost all my hair but I’ll be sportin’ some fabulous new head coverings this summer. Carmen Miranda eat your heart out!!!

PS: A big shout out to my big sis Linda who sent me some fab turbans! Love you sis!

To Share or Not to Share IS that the Question?

“ I may have cancer, but cancer most definitely does NOT have me” ~Ellen Garfield

Just exactly how does one share the news of positive biopsy? I was reluctant to say anything to anyone barring my immediate family. It’s kind of a surreal situation.

I told my co-workers first. Then a few select friends. I didn’t want to make a public announcement but I knew sooner or later the cat would be out of the bag. I didn’t want my larger circle of friends to feel bad that I didn’t disclose the fact I have cancer. What? Why didn’t you say something? So I knew something had to be done.

I did a subtle photo thing on Facebook of me with short hair. I commented that pretty soon there would be no hair. My friends are so clever. They got it. Phew.

I did two or three updates but I didn’t want to shove my issues into people’s faces. This is why I’m doing the blog. Easier to say all of this in a post rather than in daily fb updates. Status updates can be obnoxious.

What amazed me is that I learned about how many people I know went through all of this. Women. Men. Old high school friends. People from my community. It’s like an elite club. Totally eye opening. Different people, different experiences. Everyone has a story and every story is unique.

I’ve received some cool advice from some more than cool people. My support system is so strong that I couldn’t break it if I tried.

I didn’t ask for this to happen, but I know I will become a stronger and more caring person by the time I am free from this poison.

I MAY HAVE CANCER BUT CANCER MOST DEFINITELY DOES NOT HAVE ME!!

Have a great week all!

My Very Own Pharmacy!

The other day I was looking in my linen closet and I realized I have enough pills and other assorted cancer related concoctions (mouth washes) to open up my own pharmacy.

My Dr. (Erica Linden) is the most awesome person. If one pill doesn’t work, she orders another. I’m still holding out for the medical marijuana but I don’t see that happening anytime soon. Besides, what good is it in pill form? I mean come on.

Some pills work. Some don’t. It’s good to have a back up. What’s not good is that each RX is a co-pay. Hmmm. As far as I can figure, I have spent enough in co-pays to buy a new spring wardrobe. Talk about putting it into perspective. OK, I did buy some new head wraps. I don’t think that counts.

I’m still all about using kitchen remedies. Ginger tea helps with the queasy factor. In fact anything ginger is awesome. My friend Cathy says she hates ginger. Thinks it tastes like soap. I love it. Ginger cookies, ginger in stir-fry, ginger chewy candy from the Cambodian market, not fond of ginger ale but if it works I’m in.

I have one more session of the queasy infusions. Oh dear. What to do with all the pills? I wonder if I can sell them back to the pharmacy at half price. I think the answer to that is a resounding I don’t think so.

In the meantime, my evil spa attendant Rosemary will continue to pump me up. Just kidding. Rosemary is the greatest! And she’s a dancer. Near and dear to my heart.

My phone alarm just went off. Time for another pill!